i’m writing a memo for the hospice service as my PR writing homework.

it’s definitely not the best thing to read up on at this hour.

“For most of our lives, we do not care to think about death. We are protected by the busyness of our lives and the idea that we are somehow exempt from death until we reach an advanced age, contact a terminal illness, meet with an accident… or until we face the demise of a loved one. Death points to us to the unpredictability and fragility of life – physical and emotional suffering one undergoes when one faces death can be daunting and despairing. Yet one must not lose hope. No one should have to face the end of life alone, without any support. A dignified and pain-free death is possible, in more ways than one.”

www.lifebeforedeath.org.sg

It just dawn upon me that the suggested “health center” by the doctors for us to put up my grandfather was a hospice center.

National Day in China is crazy. Everyone rushes to finish their work on hand and gets ready to return to hometown. I had trouble getting a train ticket to Wen Zhou. It’s was totally sold out, even the standing tickets!

I had to hitch a ride from Leon. It was pouring crazily.

The journey took 9 hours with traffic jam. Pretty much horrible. Can u believe the jam was 40km? That’s like traffic jam from pasir ris to boon lay!!?

We made a stop for lunch.

had rice dumplings, in plastic bag. Gee…

The clouds started clearing up when we were reaching Wen zhou.

Along the way, I saw truckloads of animals!! haha.. i was so excited! a truckload of pigs – big fat pigs. so amusing! lol. took a photo of the goats.. Leon kept making fun of me taking photos of them. Can’t I take photos? hello, we don’t have these in Singapore.

caught the sun set while we drove into Wen Zhou. it was literally an GOLDEN yolk.

Everyone asked how I felt “going back” to Wen Zhou, where my roots are. Seriously, it’s “going to” and not “back”. I don’t feel any connection with this place. Not even my mom stepped foot there before. All that striked me was my grandpa. On his tombstone, it carved “Jia Yi Xian”, and now, I’m here at his birthplace. I missed him.

This is Ou Bei, a part of Wen Zhou.

i’m awake at 2am now, together with my parents.

we are guarding grandpa’s wake.

i have been entrusted with the reponsibility of keeping the joss sticks burning.

4 more hours to dawn… thank god i have my laptop with me and successful tapping of other people’s internet network.. *sshhhshshh*

what’s my parents doing?
they are self-entertaining themselves with the poker cards. -_-”

i told them that we could play mahjong.. but there was no reponse…

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one of my cousin took photos of the funeral.. the setup, the offerings, the coffin, family and friends.

it’s an awkward situation when the camera points at you. should you smile?

but i’m glad that he’s taking photos.

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we sealed up the coffin yesterday.

the reason being; we didn’t want grandpa to suffer any further.

do you know that if you choose to ‘showcase’ the deceased, they will have to remove all the internal organs and let out all the blood before injecting preservatives?

we see no point in that. and besides, grandpa doesn’t want anybody else to see him in the sickly state.

this is for me, the first time experiencing the death of a dear one. my paternal grandpa passed away in holland when i was very young. we had the funeral with his ashes. I didnt had much thoughts and feelings back then.

But i’m having a lot of thoughts and emotions these few days. about life and death. feeling both sad and scared at the same time.

when the monks sealed the coffin yesterday, we were told to look away and were only able to hear the hammering of the nails into the wood. The feeling was terrible. My heart sank to the bottom. I lost control and cried like a baby.

Even now when I look at the sealed coffin and grandpa’s photo, somehow, I still can’t come into terms that he’s lying inside.

And we all know that the harsh moment would be the cremation on wednesday morning.

grandpa chose to leave us when none of us were around.

he probably didn’t want any of us to see him leave..

or was it that no one was there to keep him going?

in just that short span of 10-15 mins..

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the wake is going on now till Wednesday morning.

Blk 14 Kampong Arang

If every breath you take is a struggle to live on, how long can you endure..
what would be the meaning of life to you..

he’s extremely skinny now. i was in a state of shock when i stepped into the ward.
bone and skin. that’s all..
he’s been on milk only for the past 1 week.

it really hurts me when i see him struggle for his breath..

doctor told us he’s in critical condition..

it’s tough to let him go, but we can’t bear to see him suffer so much..

he’s still going strong & brave, not wanting to resign to his fate..
i hope grandpa can pull through tonight..